No

I never realized the close relationship between boundaries and self-worth.

As a people pleaser, I cared for others as a way to feel good about myself. It went something like; I will take care of you - therefore, I am a good person. I have value. Growing up in a busy home that lacked resources, this behavior was a strategy to receive love. Adapting to my environment and looking after the needs and feelings of others became a survival plan.

When mistreated, I internalized it - my value, or lack thereof, derived from outside of myself. Working harder to get it right, I again looked outward to validate myself through reflection. People-pleasing harder, giving away more, shrinking further. A bottom feeder, taking table scraps. It was all I deserved - or so went my inner narrative. I did not have and had never learned to have boundaries. I was unsure what they were, and besides, who would be there if I said no?

Through work and support, I arrived at no. Did you lie to me? No, I am choosing truth. Did you steal from me? No, I am turning toward abundance. Did you treat me in ways that were less than I deserved? No. And coming from a history of people-pleasing, rationalizing the behavior of others was a familiar strategy to defend against feeling the intolerable - the fear of disconnection and, in turn, survival. If too big a risk, we swallow our truth and rationalize, numbing out. I understand why they did it - I get it. They were struggling; it was complicated; they did not know how to ask for what they needed. In offering you my understanding, I am again creating value for myself. I am a good person. I am caring. But the cost of stuffing my feelings is a betrayal of self. I also stall forward movement, denying the life-affirming risks I need to grow.

When I choose to have a boundary, I can empathize with your struggle, but it is not mine to hold. You can find support. I know my worth, and I deserve more.

In having my no, I am telling the universe - "Hey universe, this is what I want, and this is what I deserve." I am creating a space for those people and things to show up in my life. My no and my self-worth are two-fold. My self-worth backs my no, and my no fuels my self-worth. I support either conviction with an action step; I hold a boundary. And the strange thing is when you grow to have a larger sense of yourself, to say no - I want more. It creates a vacuum for those things to show up, for the universe to meet you.

And there is some insecurity in having my no. I ask myself if I am getting too big for my britches. Who do I think I am? But the truth is if I love myself, I can decide what my boundaries are, what I will tolerate, and what I will not. It is not an inflated ego. I am caring for myself and defining how I want to be in a relationship. It is as simple as; I will have combo A for lunch – not combo B. No animosity; only choice.

Having someone we trust who is neutral to offer feedback and reflection is relevant; in the instances where we may be unconscious or in distortion. The goal is to make choices from a fully informed, aligned, and integrated place.

Love yourself, know your worth, and cultivate your no. Believe - that you are precious. Trust that the universe will provide if you choose something different. Have compassion for yourself; old patterns take time, patience, and support to change.