Judging a tree?

Years ago, I participated in yoga teacher training at a retreat center. During the month-long training, I partook in an exercise where I sat outside for an hour and related to something in nature. To study whatever I chose to sit with in-depth, observing its shape, colour, smell, texture, and whatever else caught my awareness.

I struggled to choose something - which was ironic as it felt similar to my life back home and a lack of commitment to any one person or thing. After worrying I would waste the allotted time looking for something, I chose a Japanese Maple tree.

I was embarrassed, sitting on the lawn in front of the tree, aware that guests could see me and possibly wonder what I was doing - that I looked ridiculous sitting so close and staring at a tree. Only at a new-age retreat center, I told myself.

As I sat with the tree, I felt myself merge with it. The tree felt gangly, long, and lean. It reminded me of a teenager. The colours were hypnotic, bright lizard green in some places and deep shades of rich burgundy reds in others. The tree felt full of life, chock-full with leaves and thousands of tiny helicopter seeds hanging delicately. I felt struck by the energy of abundance, fertility, and vitality.

I felt at one with the tree, in love, then a new awareness surfaced. There was something in the tree’s expression that made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t care for how unabashedly the tree held itself, especially in its self-confident fertile expression. I heard my inner voice say, “You should be a more humble tree.” I felt taken aback; how could I judge a tree? But as I continued, I could feel a hardening; the voice didn’t recede. “Storms are coming your way; you shouldn’t stand there like that without any measure of yourself. Life is going to come to cut you down.” At this point, I no longer felt the oneness I had felt earlier, the love. I felt separate. I felt my bitterness and judgment, as well as my fascination and shame.

In truth, I wanted the tree to take notice of my caution and apologize, to slightly bend its trunk and internalize its wrongness; so that I would not need to feel discomfort.

Upon returning to the class and in group reflections, I struggled to talk about my experience openly. In a room full of beautiful young women, many of whom embodied this energy - I didn’t understand. I left confused, which continued for years, trying to understand what had happened.

In Core Energetics, there is a term called an image - also described as a belief system or a distorted worldview. We learn images, often when we are young, and usually - they are passed down to us by our primary caregivers. I grew up in a home where modesty and humility were modelled and valued. I learned how to relate to my feminine energy and how I needed to be aware of its impact on others. And through my struggles, I also felt the place where life had come and cut me down when I had dared to stand in my fullness.

Looking at the larger picture, how are we impacted beyond our family of origin? In Western capitalist culture, sexuality is a vehicle used to sell everything from music to goods and services. What does this teach us about our bodies and sexuality? Growing up in a society heavily influenced by religion, how do these institutions teach us to relate to our bodies and pleasure?

Through this work, one of the aims is to look at where we have unconscious belief systems and to consider whether they are in service to us. We work to make the unconscious - conscious and do healing work around the places where we are hurt and living out of distortion. I desire to celebrate life in all its fullness, to feel one with the energy of abundance, fertility, and beauty. It is a place I have done work and will continue to, and this - in turn, allows me to participate in this energy instead of separating from it and wondering why this energy eludes me in my own life.

We project our unconscious belief systems outwardly, as a projector casts a movie onto a blank screen. When I noticed this energy in the world, it elicited pain, as I denied this energy in myself. It also triggered shame. I cast this pain outwardly as judgment to close my heart from feeling the hurt - I did not know how to feel. Until I do my healing work, I will bump up against this energy in the world and separate from it. This work can empower you to choose your truth and how you want to experience and participate in the world.

And it sounds silly: but to bring all of our beauty to the world and not bend, hide or shame ourselves in our full, vital expression.